Out of the cave and into the light

Some of you have asked where I have been. I have been here in my cave waiting for the snow to melt. We have had lots of snow; I mean for a few weeks, it was like full time work to shovel snow.

Man, I really felt bad for my wife, good thing I bought her that new monogrammed easy-grip-shovel for Christmas.

Actually, I have been busy trying to see if I could coach basketball. According to some in town, apparently not. Good thing I didn’t quit my day job.

I didn’t really have a hard job, as the assistant I only got to hold the magic-marker for the white board. I didn’t get to hold the white board; that was the other assistant’s job.

I thought I did a pretty good job, except that I lost the pen once and had to borrow one from Mrs. Esplin. She is very organized, just between you and me, probably too organized; but she always knows where everything is, which is handy when you lose the pen.

I know coaching sounds all glamorous, traveling on a school bus with the team to exotic places and eating donuts and day-old burritos. And the salary, well let’s just say it’s more than double my church job salary.

But, really, I will be glad to start catching up on important things like polishing my golf clubs and taking a nap with Turbo. Although, I have to be honest here, Turbo hasn’t missed many naps.

His daily routine is to wake up, walk to the edge of the garage door, look outside and see that it is still snowing and walk back to his bed.

Coaching is not all it’s cracked up to be. I have a shirt that says on the back, “I Coach, Kids Play, Parents Cheer!” I really should have worn it to the games but I had to wear a black shirt and tie.

How smart is that, to show up with a noose around your neck, when you are trying to coach small town sports? If I learned one thing in life, it is; that the same people cheering for you when things are going good would cheer if they were feeding you to the lions.

I had one irate mom come up to me and poke me with her index finger a couple of times to ensure she had my attention and say, “Listen CaveGuy, how ‘bout you start freakin’ coaching, then maybe I’ll start freakin’ cheering.”

Really, I didn’t think that was very nice of my too kind and loving wife; but she is competitive and gets kinda weirded out when it comes to sports and her kids.

Talking about weird, I have been reviewing the family budget and do you realize that I actually have to budget for hair gel?

Yup. It is a line item right below Empire Electric. And this is even weirder, my too kind and loving wife came back from Blue Mountain Foods very distressed.

Usually, I just hide when she is distressed and hope that her sister calls so they can talk about how stupid men are. But like a dummy, I made eye contact and just had to ask, “What’s-a-matter?”

We actually had a conversation about hair gel. Apparently, the store doesn’t stock the right kind any more and that is causing her distress.

Whoever is in charge of ordering hair gel at the store, would you please get the right one ordered? Because if my too kind and loving wife has a bad hair day, well let’s just say, if momma ain’t happy; nobody is happy.