MY CAVE, MY VIEW
My too kind and loving wife doesn’t think I am very observant; I hadn’t noticed. But she makes this absurd claim because I can look in the fridge for ten minutes and not find what I am looking for and she can walk by and not even look and say, “It’s behind the mustard jar.”
And sure enough there it is. I believe this success at finding hidden stuff is due to an IULD (interuteranlocatingdevice) that all women have implanted and was invented by the orderly Germans during the war.
I don’t even know where to start with this story. First, it is sorta embarrassing and it just seems wrong to tell on yourself.
But, since I tell on others, I guess when I am an idiot I should be the first to admit it. Although, to be perfectly honest, there are usually several others that are all too happy to be the first to admit that I am an idiot.
I am walking down the hall at work when I look down and notice that my shoe strings on my shoes do not match. I probably could have lived with that. But, then it dawns on me that not only my shoe strings do not match, but that I am wearing two non-matching shoes.
At this point I stop and look carefully to see if it is actually possible that I could have put on two non-matching shoes and not notice. I can’t fathom any other way they might have gotten on my feet, so I decide to man up and take responsibility for my action and think, “I’ll be danged, I wonder how that happened.”
I calmly approach my secretary and stand in front of her and ask if she notices anything wrong. She giggles and says of course, “You’re wearing two different shoes…what happened, your wife forget to dress you?” I didn’t need her editorial comments, but she may have a point.
So how did this come to be? I had to come out to California a few weeks ago and in my normal, organized, and planned fashion, and with my usual engineering efficiency, decided that I should leave one of my pair of shoes at home so when I flew in I would not have to pack so many clothes and there would be my other pair of faithful shoes waiting for me.
I left the old pair home because there is a little more pressure to be a snazzy dresser out here in California so I brought the new ones with me. Correction, I brought one new one and one old one with me.
I suppose it is understandable and probably even forgivable to wear non-matching shoes once. I know this guy, call him Lyle; he once wore suit pants that did not match his suit coat while he was arguing a case before the Utah Supreme Court and supposedly he is much smarter than I am. Although, even if he is smarter, apparently he isn’t a snazzy dresser either.
So, much to my dismay, it isn’t that I wore non-matching shoes to the office once. But, I have been in California wearing two non-matching shoes for THREE weeks and not one fashionconscious friend told me.
It makes me wonder, if I had been walking around with broccoli in my teeth or my zipper unzipped, would anyone have told me? I hope it was because they didn’t notice. But three weeks of wearing the same shoes to work every day and I didn’t notice, nor did anyone else notice.
Nothing says snazzy dresser like a country boy in the city wearing two non-matching shoes with Chinos and a Brooks Brother’s polo shirt. Yup. I am not doing much to help change the image problem of Utah with the world; can’t buy liquor and apparently wearing matching shoes is beyond their skill level. Or is just a function of the color blindness from the lack of branches on the family tree? To top it off I wore these shoes every day…and I didn’t notice.
I dunno. I am trying to blame it on anything I can come up with. But in the end, I think I am just an idiot. What is even more worrisome is that I just went to Dr Kirk and he said my eyes were fine. I wonder if I can get a refund. Maybe instead of using letters on that eye chart he should put shoes and see if we can match them.
When I told my too kind and loving wife about walking around for three weeks with non-matching shoes she didn’t act surprised.