I Swear

I read the headline of the Terri Winder article, “No Cussing Week a Great Idea”. Of course my first thought was, DANG! “Oh, yeah, get real! A week?”

But, I like the idea, although I know a few homes that would be pretty darn quiet; maybe an occasional “the” or an infrequent “and” but not much else.

I have known people that could swear so eloquently that Shakespeare would have gladly embellished Lady McBeth’s mere short, “Out, damn’d spot!” to a Chris Rock monologue.

And I have heard good people try to swear and it sounded unnatural; like a dog that mewed or a cat that barked; it was so alien coming from their mouth that I nearly died of laughter.

Some people don’t have any talent for it. I dunno why. And I don’t condone swearing; unless you’re working with cows. One rancher I know, we’ll call him Bruce, let go such an inspiring litany of superlatives that the cow jumped into the back of the truck.

I have often quoted Mark Twain, who said, “Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.” But some people should not swear as they don’t do it justice and some should try to expand their vocabulary as it seems that swearing is the only thing they know how to do.

Once, Bubba hit his thumb with a hammer and yelled (and hopped about) for a minute straight and didn’t start his sentence with a capital, end it with a period, use a noun, verb or adjective; but strung together enough cuss words that his paragraph made sense. In fact, it was rumored that a nearby cow jumped into the truck and drove down Main Street.

However, as a writer, and I use the term loosely, perfect placement of a word, the right word; not a mere cousin to the right word, can change a nation.

Who can forget, “I have a dream.”

“This is one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.”

“Do you want to supersize that?”

“Where’s the beef?”

So choose your words carefully. I am not aware of many often-quoted inspiring sayings, that use swear words. They don’t stand the test of time.

On the other hand, it may not have changed the nation, but it always changed my behavior immediately when my dad yelled my name followed by a swear word; probably, because as a teenager I had the IQ of a cow.

But after reading Terri’s article it got me thinking and repenting and swearing (the other kind) to do better. Then later as I opened up the Tribune I saw another article, titled, “High court tackles F-word.”

The article goes on to say, “The Supreme Court will decide whether it is indecent when some foul-mouthed celebrity drops the “F-word” on live television.” How hard is it to decide that if people are watching the American Billboard Awards with their family that dropping the F-bomb is indecent.

Ask my mom; she’ll tell you, in fact, ask any mom and they will tell you, it’s indecent!! Are you smarter than a 5th grader; ask any of them, they’ll tell you it’s INDECENT!

But proponents of swearing advocate that previous standards were in a very different era and a very different time. And continue, “that the current policy is incoherent and over broad and has chilled the creative process for the writers, directions and producers we represent.”

At that point in time of reading the article I threw the paper down and told my too kind and loving wife, “I can’t believe the bull#@&* they print these days!”

She didn’t look up from the socks she was darning and merely replied, “If they didn’t print baloney, they wouldn’t print you would they?” See, some people have no talent for it. “Baloney”, a mere cousin to the right word.