Cave dwellers and Tourons

You know there was a time when living in a cave was left to us professionals. Like the title says “My Cave. My View.” But it turns out living in caves has been a thing in San Juan County for a long time.
Go play tourist for a few hours and visit some of them. But, do NOT be a touron (tourist-moron) and write your name on someone’s cave; not cool!
You can’t miss the Hole in Rock along Highway 191. It is not natural cave; it is a 5000 sqft home carved out of solid rock by the Christensen family. It had a humble start and was used by cowboys for camping. Albert and Leo Christensen expanded it in the 1950’s. Because everybody that owned a Geiger counter was looking to strike the next mother lode and become rich the area had an abundance of unemployed uranium miners with little money, lots of dreams, and some know-how; so many prospectors exchanged hard work chipping rock to earn a meal. Eventually, it became a 14-room house with a rock bathtub, a 60’ chimney and sculpture of Franklin D. Roosevelt on the front.
The current owners have expanded the “cave’” to include a zoo, sculptures, and gift shops. And just to satisfy the grammar police, yes they know the “HOLE N” THE ROCK” is not grammatically correct (Hole ‘n the Rock). But like I said, “My Cave. My View”. Well, it’s their cave and their view.
Like most of you I have driven by HOLE N” THE ROCK a million times and never stopped to show my kids. I will not make that mistake with my grandkids. So, my advice, skip the Moab mad house and spend a few minutes; it’s worth your time.
Of course, if you head in the other direction and go for a drive down Montezuma Canyon you can see other caves. The Cliff House built in 1986 and the Cave Palace Ranch come with all amenities imaginable. I am not exactly sure this meets the definition of a cave, more like an alcove, and it isn’t living like the Flintstones, but if you don’t want to rough it, I think a cave like these would be nice. As my friend Bubba-RL says, “it would feel rich”.
I have never “felt rich”; occasionally, I splurge for my too kind and loving wife and buy her something fancy. Not being very savvy at shopping, I usually try to use the “good, better, best” system that Wal-Mart uses and buy the “best” dang tool or lingerie I can find. I am sure she appreciates my good taste and has expressed her heart felt gratitude many times, “Really? You bought this for me? I am speechless. Who would have thought to monogram a floor jack?” Now that makes me “feel rich.”
Of course, there are many caves around. You could go see House on Fire, although, honestly with a name like you might want to hurry. You could go see Moon House, but there again, it is a catchy name, but be careful about word association. Whenever I hear someone talking about Moon House, I almost always think of the two-seater outhouse my grandmother had when I was a kid.
And if you really want a cave with a view, there is none that matches False Kiva. I guess the Park Service wouldn’t let you live there; in fact, at this time it is closed to visitation. The location is not shown on any Park Service maps, the trail head is not marked, and if you haven’t had the pleasure of contemplating life while looking south towards Lockhart Basin from False Kiva, you may not ever get that chance because some idiot decided to start a fire in the kiva and use the charcoal to make handprints. Hmmm, stupid is as stupid does; #$%@*! tourons!
Sitting here in my cave I see daily news stories about tourons doing stupid things. And when it comes to stupid things, I am an expert. For example, the Boy Scout leader that tipped over a HooDoo in Goblin Valley, people trying to take pictures with bison in Yellowstone, a climber putting climbing bolts over a 1000-year-old petroglyph, and people writing obscenities over ancient rock art. My touron-jackassery meter pegged out at “fed up”.
Can anyone tell me where we went wrong? “Leave no Trace” is posted on almost every kiosk in the west. What parent tells their kids it okay to pick up pot shards, carve their name in the rock, draw phallic images, and misspell obscenities, UGH?! Do these tourons think of stupid, sophomoric, thoughtless, idiotic, and selfish things to do? Or do they think at all?
I don’t care how much you love your girlfriend, don’t write it on a tree, a rock, a brick wall, or bridge. Okay, I am all about free speech so go ahead and tattoo her name on your forehead. “And that is all I have to say about that.” Well, that is My View from My Cave this week.

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