$mile$ and Memorie$

Did I mention that my daughter i$ getting married? Her and her mother and her $i$ter are having a great time making plan$ for the big day.

I wa$ told very clearly and di$tinctly that thi$ wa$ a happy occa$ion and that it wa$ all about $mile$ and memorie$.
I tried once to bring up the word budget and got a threat from the daughter getting married that $he would elope and $he would never bear grandchildren and if $he did $he would never bring them home and if $he did bring them home $he would tell them that Grandma wa$ all $weet and wonderful but that Grandpa wa$ mean $pirited and cheap and wouldn’t pay for her very reasonable and modest wedding.

Her mother $cowled at me and $tated too clearly that I wa$ a$ $en$itive a$ a caveman, and her $i$ter ju$t rolled her eye$ at me and gave me the “lo$er” $ign.”

After that, I have come to the conclu$ion that there are two time$ a man doe$ not under$tand a woman: before marriage and after marriage!

I have never pretended to under$tand my girl$, $ometime$ when I think I have ju$t about had it, they give me a ki$$ on the cheek and tell me that they love me or they let a tear $lip out with a $niffle or give me a t-$hirt that $ay$ “Way Cool Dad” and then I am their$ forever and I ju$t hand them my wallet and never talk about money or budget again.

$o I wa$ trying to embrace the $mile$ and memorie$ $logan. Hone$tly, I haven’t been $miling much becau$e mo$tly I have memorie$ of where my money u$ed to be.

That i$ why the old joke goe$, “Father$ have picture$ of kid$ where money u$ed to be.”

And don’t think for a minute that the$e are cheap picture$. We aren’t talking one faded Polaroid of great grandma Zeke hauling a handcart through Wyoming.

There were announcement$ photo$, bridal$, picture$ of the wedding dinner$, ceremony picture$, portrait$, and I think we even have a day for Turbo to get hi$ picture taken; if we can rent him a tuxedo, there were picture$ of picture$, and $crapbook photo$.
I did not know there were $o many thing$ to con$ider when you are marrying a daughter away. I would think the young feller would ju$t be damn glad that I didn’t $hoot him and that I am letting him marry my daughter. Becau$e no boy i$ good enough for your daughter… every dad know$ that.

But, there are beaded dre$$e$ to order, meal$ to plan, bouquet$ to fu$$ over, and million$ of other thing$ that men don’t under$tand.

After burning through Daniel’$ college fund like the $huttle going through rocket fuel, I tried to bring up budget$ and being practical and economy of $cale and bulk purcha$ing. But ala$, I wa$ put in my place… now my place i$ $leeping with Turbo. He doe$n’t $eem to mind having a roommate. He drool$ when he $leep$.

But how can you put a price on $mile$ and memorie$? Actually, the price of the $mile…my daughter’$ $mile i$ exactly $4,000 to her orthodonti$t.

My too kind and loving wife ha$ made it very clear, “It i$n’t about money!” Good thing becau$e we won’t have any when we are done. “It’$ all about $mile$ and memorie$!”

We are $uppo$ed to have a wedding dinner too. I wa$ willing to go all out and I $ugge$ted we go to the Maverick and buy three hot dog$ for a dollar and if we do it on Tue$day$ we could get refill$ for half off and we could put on the announcement to bring yer own refill gla$$e$ for a Pep$i. I am rea$onable.
And don’t think for one minute we aren’t going to buy ugly bride maid$ dre$$e$. In fact there i$ a factory that make$ them. You can’t have them get a dre$$ they might actually u$e again; that would be practical… t$k t$k t$k $uch a man.

The whole point I believe i$ to dre$$ your clo$e friend$ a$ ugly a$ you can, then $tand in the mi$t of them in a beaded beautiful flowing gown that co$t a$ much a$ a Kuwait’$ war budget. Nikki now ha$ five bride’$ maid dre$$e$. Well on her way to the 27 $he need$ to make a movie.

And you would think that when you buy a dre$$ for a million dollar$ that it would come with $hoe$, a veil, and alteration$.

No! Nay! Never!

Fir$t, they buy the perfect dre$$, then a $eam$tre$$ tear$ it apart, add$ $leeve$, and other thing$ to make it mode$t enough that your daughter doe$n’t look like a La$ Vega$ $how girl.
But hey, thi$ i$ all about $mile$ and memorie$.