Me and Tolstoy write books
by Gary Torres
Nov 23, 2011 | 7896 views | 0 0 comments | 1277 1277 recommendations | email to a friend | print

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Well it is finally done. I say done, but I mean finished. My too kind loving wife always points that out when the bread is baked, it is then done; but a task or work is finished.

I don’t get a lot of work finished; but I do like baked bread. So like I said it is done. I finally wrote a book.

It only took me eleven years to write a book, which seems like a long time to some people. But, when I compare this to War and Peace ,which took Tolstoy about 58 years to write, I am feeling pretty darn good about it.

Okay, you might point out the obvious, that my book is no War and Peace; but I would counter that names like Mikhail llarionovich Kutuzov are much harder to read or say than Bubba and Billy-Bob.

Also, it took me almost as much time to read War and Peace as it took Mr. Tolstoy to write it, mostly because I was confused by the nearly 600 characters that frequent his pages.

You can never understand all that Tolstoy was really saying. Whereas my book can easily be read and understood in the privacy of your own bathroom.

There are really five major themes in War and Peace. Tolstoy showed us that “love and compassion are the keys to a successful and fulfilling life”. I show the reader how I love burritos and Pepsi and nothing is better than pastry full of filling.

He talks about how “human beings are defined by what they do” I show you how if you can get your kids or wife to do it for you; it should count.

Tolstoy blathers on about how “acquisitions of material possessions do not lead to success or happiness”. I show you how a big screen TV and a big overstuffed chair can make you happy.

I could go on, but let’s just accept for the sake of argument that my book is worthy of a spot on your bookshelf or at least the top of the tank on the toilet.

Writing this book was truly an experience I won’t forget.

Mark Twain wrote, “The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction. By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive what it is that you really want to say.”

About the time I had reviewed this book for the hundredth time and was satisfied, I received the final copy and wouldn’t you know it, I found a mistake; I cursed, threw the book down, and refused to look at it again.

So there you have it; any more corrections will be for the reader to make…and I thank you ahead of time.

I am not much of a business man, but since I am from Utah I thought I should use a traditional Ponzi scheme.

Unlike a normal Ponzi scheme; the idea here is that you will actually get something for your money. So all you have to do is get someone else to buy the book or better yet you buy them the book and tell them how funny it is and it is a “must read”.

Then if they do the same, pretty soon I will sell enough books that I can afford my hobby, which is sitting in my big overstuffed chair thinking about something to write. This is a real win-win for everyone.

This will also help get me out of chores around the house, as I will honestly be able to tell my too kind and loving wife that I am working.

Often, she mistakenly takes my sitting in my big overstuffed chair drinking Pepsi and eating chips as merely sitting in my big overstuffed chair drinking Pepsi and eating chips.

The thing about marketing is that you have to be clever, subtle and make people think it was their idea; which is difficult when I am neither clever nor subtle.

So I asked if I could send out flyers in the ward newsletter, which seemed like a great idea as it would help offset costs of publishing the monthly message from the Bishop.

I thought it was bold and innovative; my too kind and loving wife thought I was losing my mind. So I decided on the next best thing, which is to wait until a Sunday morning and go put flyers in the all the windshields of good church going members, but someone said that might be trespassing. Really?. You know people, you have to work with me here.

I decided to call in some favors of people in high places; but much like the Garth Brooks song, “I got friends in low places” but none in high places, so getting on the talk-show circuit did not seem likely. I was really stumped.

I did think that I could tell people to read the book to see if what I wrote about them was true, since I did not change the names to protect the innocent.

In fact some of what I wrote, well maybe even most of what I wrote, is salacious lies about politicians; but what can you say about them that wouldn’t be true?

I then decided to appeal to your holiday spirit. After all, it really is a cheap gift and if you like the person and they laugh and enjoy it then they will think you are a swell person and if you don’t like them perhaps it will keep them occupied and out of your hair for a few hours and that seems like a win-win situation also.

So there you go, come down or call the San Juan Record and buy my book. It will certainly be a one of kind gift; I mean how long can you write about nothing before someone notices.

As always, I can be reached at
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