“Cold ‘nuff fer ya?
Dec 16, 2009 | 18332 views | 0 0 comments | 1417 1417 recommendations | email to a friend | print
MY CAVE, MY VIEW by Gary Torres

With the recent drop in temperatures and new snow I am reminded that cold and hot are relative terms. 

One man’s hot day is another woman’s cold day. 

Cold is when my too kind and loving wife slides her feet over under the covers and touches me in the middle of the night. 

I try to be kind, but I am half asleep, or was half asleep, so the half that isn’t is clinging to the ceiling feeling akin to being tasered.  And hot is when my wife sends me to bed a few minutes early to warm up her side.

I think our thermometer should have descriptions; not numbers. 

72 degrees:  Kara turns on the air conditioner and is grumpy because it’s too hot. 

70 degrees:  Kara turns on the heater and is grumpy because it’s too cold.

60 degrees:  Bluff residents turn on the heat, people in Monticello plant gardens and Bubba-Blen sits on his front porch in his undershirt; I think he is reading a book.

50 degrees:  Blanding baseball team cancels practice. Monticello football team starts two- a-days. 

40 degrees:  Blanding residents celebrate their wise decision not to move to Monticello.  People in Monticello drive with their windows down up the mountain to cool off some.  La-Sal residents use straw as skirting to cover axles on home and leave opening for dog and cat to make home under “new-to-them” domicile.

32 degrees:  Distilled water freezes.  Fishermen drive by Loyd’s Lake to see if water has frozen.  La-Sal residents get confused reading thermometer.

20 above zero:  Blanding residents don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats and drive to Monticello for a Friday night football game. 

People in Monticello throw on a flannel shirt and go to the football game and say, “Dang them boys from Blanding are big.”

15 above zero:  People in La-Sal finally start a fire in the wood burning stove. Headlines in next weeks’ San Juan Record reads Five Mobile Homes Burn Down in La-Sal. 

Local resident is quoted as saying, “We wuz out looking fur flyin saucers when we smelt smoke which we thought was Bubba’s flatulence as he has been eatin lots of that jerky he made this year.  We tried to call 911 but couldn’t find the eleven on dat dang phone.”  People in Monticello have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero:  People in Bluff all go back through Hole in the Rock.  Monticello residents quit sleeping with the windows open.

10 below zero:  Blanding residents go on a cruise to Mexico.  People in Monticello get out their sweaters.  La-Sal residents let the dogs sleep ON the bed.

40 below zero:  The Governor declares it a disaster. Blanding gets a grant to build a dome over the College.  People in Monticello let the dogs sleep indoors.  Wife’s cold toes touch me and I am ejected out of bed and land in front yard.

460 below zero:  ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.) People in Monticello start saying...”Cold ‘nuff fer ya?”

500 below zero:  Hell freezes over.  Blanding and Monticello quit fighting over health care.  The winner of the Nobel Peace Prize has actually done something to deserve it, the County decides that our property values really aren’t worth California prices and they send us money back with a letter of apology. 

BYU quarterback announces that he is going to play for Utah, Monticello residents quit fighting with each other long enough to help shovel out all the snow.
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